My clavicles ache and there is a pressure throughout my organs due to the carbon dioxide insufflation. My throat is sore from the breathing tube. Still dizzy as the anesthesia is wearing off, I am informed that the whole of Teal Tribe has caught wind that I went into surgery yesterday. I think to myself… I need to write a blog.
Those of you who have read previous blog posts know that I struggle with endometriosis. Besides causing intense pain, endometriosis often creates infertility. I have taken every alternative approach to healing that I could find, to no avail. And two weeks ago, right after returning home from California, I lined up with a nasty surprise. I went into a hospital for an HSG test. It’s a nasty little test where the doctor injects dye into your uterus and up through your fallopian tubes under an x ray machine to make sure everything is open and healthy. To the left is what it should look like. My results were terrible. The kind of terrible where the doctor sits you down after the test to break the news that you’re infertile because both of your tubes are totally blocked due to scar tissue. I cried the entire way home. It seems no matter how much I want to let go of my past, it wont let go of me.
The doctor scheduled a surgery for the very next week to cauterize the endometriosis they could find, take a few biopsies and remove both of my fallopian tubes. It is a surgery that I have had 4 different experts tell me I need to have. I’ve been putting it off for years in favor of alternative medical approaches. But this time, with Ale’s encouragement, I decided to go ahead with the surgery. Doing so was the only way to make In Vitro Fertilization a future possibility. So, I had 5 master healers work on the problem in preparation for the surgery.
Yesterday was a blur of terror. There is nothing worse for someone with PTSD than anticipating pain and being forced to trust someone who has the power to cause you pain. On top of that, my childhood abuse involved both anesthesia and injury to the very organs that were slated for surgery. Surgery is a bit like legal butchery. We sat in the hospital waiting for two hours. When the anesthesiologist came in, he looked over my history, placed the IV in my vein and gave me an extra dose of narcotic analgesic. I felt all the fear disappear and couldn’t move my muscles. Ale kissed me on the forehead and I was rolled down the hallway into the huge operating room. The nurses transferred me to the operating table and strapped my arms down in a cross position. The anesthesiologist stood over me and told me to think of the happiest place I could think of. I imagined a pool of purple water, overlooking an other worldly purple ocean. And just like that as if someone had stolen my consciousness away, I was in peaceful darkness.
The surgery took just over two hours. The 2 surgeons worked with a laparoscope inserted in two slits, one in my belly button and the other just above my pubic bone. They surveyed my entire abdomen, took a pap smear, cauterized scar tissue, performed the biopsies and performed another die test (both ways). But to their absolute bewilderment, they found both fallopian tubes to be completely open. So, they left them intact. They said either both HSG tests I have had in my life just did not work on my abnormally shaped tubes, or a miracle happened between the test and the surgery day. I couldn’t help but smile to myself.
But the weirdest thing that happened during the surgery is that they found a patch of very unusual white tissue on the outside top of my uterus that looked like it had small burn marks in it (actual picture to the right). Both doctors were positive that it must have been the result of a previous surgery. They took some of the tissue to send to a lab. But I have never had a surgery before this one. So, unless my childhood abuser actually managed to perforate my uterine wall while performing the forced abortions (until the results come back) it is a medical mystery.
When I came back to consciousness, I had only one memory from the surgery. I was outside my body for a fraction of a second, watching the nurses hold my legs open for the dye test to be performed while I was unconscious and then a close up of the breathing tube they had inserted. Everything besides that was pristine darkness. It was so hard to keep my eyes open. I kept falling to sleep and coming out of it. At one point, Ale was feeding me applesauce from a spoon while my eyes were closed. He and Graciela were laughing about the surprise results of the surgery. “I told you I have a miracle vibration,” she said out loud laughing. Eventually, I was loaded into my car via a wheel chair and with the seat reclined, I slept on and off up the canyon. I was carried straight into bed, where except for a few assisted trips to the bathroom, I slept through the night.
I have been in bed all day. My abdomen feels like someone let a rat loose inside me to run through every corridor and scratch its claws into my organs. I’m sore. But I SO prefer physical pain to emotional pain that in comparison to most of what I’ve gone through the last two years, it is nothing. So far, I’ve been able to avoid narcotic pain meds. I have been keeping myself busy with the glory and intrigue of the Olympics. It’s ironic that several of my worst illnesses have coincided luckily with the Olympics… Such a great distraction for a sports enthusiast like me.
I have a real challenge in front of me now. This is my single day of recovery before I have to be on an airplane at 6:00 am bound for Portland Oregon. I am hosting a synchronization workshop there on Saturday. I’m going to be that person being wheeled through the airport in a wheelchair. I’ve rented a place where I can lie inside and do nothing the day before the workshop. We’ve cancelled all my pre-workshop engagements. Transformation waits for no one as they say.
Knowing that so many Teal Tribe members were focusing on me during the moment of the surgery and knowing that most all of Teal Tribe is holistic in their approach to health, it is a potential that the collective’s desire for my tubes to be saved, actually brought them back to life. Weirder things have happened in the world of spontaneous healings. Either way, thank you for being there for me and with me yesterday. And as always, I love you very much.